As a parent, you want your child to be inclusive and accepting of the people they encounter—including those with autism spectrum disorder.
Approximately 95% of children with disabilities enroll in traditional schools. That means your child is likely to meet someone with autism in class or extracurricular activities, whether they realize it or not.
“Given greater awareness of autism and our ability to diagnose children with the condition earlier, more children are being identified as autistic,” says Taryn Liu, DO, MPH, MS, pediatric neurologist and the director of the Neurodevelopmental Disabilities Fellowship at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles.
“This means most kids will meet or know an autistic child at some point during their school-aged years,” she adds.
Autism involves a wide range of differences that may leave your non-autistic child feeling full of questions or even confused and uncomfortable.
“Sometimes those differences will be obvious, and sometimes they will not,” Dr. Liu says. “But when non-autistic children make friends with someone with autism, it can help them understand that we all have different ways of existing in the world. Parents can help their children navigate those differences and foster meaningful relationships.”
Explaining autism to your kids
Having basic knowledge about autism can go a long way in helping your child understand and interact with an autistic classmate.
Let your child know that autism:
- Describes differences in the way someone communicates or interacts with others
- Enables someone to see and feel the world differently
- Is a difference in how the brain works
- Is not the same for everyone—no two people with autism will communicate or behave in the same way
- Is not a disease or illness; it does not need to be fixed.
The core feature of autism is social and emotional communication difficulties and can often include behaviors regarding strong interests or environmental sensitivities, Dr. Liu explains. Someone with autism may struggle to understand others’ emotions, facial expressions, and jokes.
“Autistic children may have a hard time initiating conversations or creating new friendships, but that doesn’t mean they’re not just as excited as other kids about making friends,” she adds. “They are often very funny and love to joke around—they just might do it in different ways or even at unexpected times.”
You can help support your child’s friendship with an autistic peer before, during, and after that friendship begins. It’s never too early—or too late—to get started.
Before making an autistic friend: Teaching inclusivity
Helping your child appreciate differences begins long before they make their first autistic friend.
Normalize differences.
Children learn by watching you—so it’s important to model kind behavior. Talking about how people are unique normalizes those differences and makes being inclusive feel natural.
Conversation starters:
- Reinforce the idea that all humans have strengths and weaknesses.
- Celebrate differences you observe while reading books or watching shows together.
Teach your child about all forms of communication.
Spoken language is just one way we communicate. We also use gestures, eye contact, facial expressions and physical actions to show our feelings. We ALL communicate slightly differently.
Conversation starters:
- Point out non-autistic family members and friends who communicate with their hands, wink often or give a lot of hugs.
- Ask your child how babies communicate to show what they need or want.
“It’s OK for your child to feel uncomfortable initially around people who seem different,” Dr. Liu says. “But as adults and guardians, we must highlight that differences are natural, and differences are important.”
“Fundamentally as humans, we have much more in common than we realize,” she adds. “We can find something in common with everyone, and our differences make our world more special and interesting.”
During: Helping your child befriend an autistic peer
If your child has a classmate with autism, help them understand the best ways to initiate friendship and what to expect. Dr. Liu recommends sharing this guidance with your non-autistic child:
Start the conversation.
Don’t shy away from an autistic classmate. Instead, approach them like anyone else.
It’s okay to start a conversation with someone even if you’re not sure how they might respond. Try saying hello, asking what they like to do for fun, giving them a compliment, or inviting them to play.
Check your expectations at the door.
Not all children with autism will respond to your efforts in ways you might expect but acknowledging someone and offering your friendship will go a long way in helping them feel welcome.
Don’t take things too personally.
People with autism communicate differently. They may be extra shy or excited. They might look away to feel more comfortable or get close to you to show their happiness. They might make extra body movements or sounds.
Try not to take these actions personally! They likely don’t understand how their actions make others feel.
Tell your friend how you feel.
Children with autism care about their friends—but sometimes they might say things without filtering how they say it.
This may unintentionally hurt your feelings or make you uncomfortable.
It’s OK for you to calmly and clearly tell them how you feel.
You can say, “You probably didn’t do it on purpose, but you really upset me when you…” Your friend may not look at you when you talk to them, but they hear you. If your classmate continues to upset you, it’s okay to walk away, play somewhere else or talk to your teacher about it.
Look for what you have in common.
Even though you may only see the differences first, you probably have multiple things in common with your autistic classmate—you just need to discover them.
Notice what they play with or ask them what they like to do. People with autism often know a lot about a specific topic and may be able to teach you something.
Consider playing next to—instead of with—your friend.
Some children with autism find it easier to play near their friends (parallel play). They’d rather not engage in games that require back-and-forth interactions. Parallel play allows autistic children to have boundaries and choose when and when not to talk.
Examples of parallel play include:
- Building with blocks near each other
- Coloring side by side
- Playing with cars or action figures simultaneously
Learn to recognize signs of frustration.
If an autistic classmate seems irritated, they may feel frustrated, uncomfortable or misunderstood.
When that happens, step back and say, “It’s OK.” Try to figure out why your friend might be frustrated. If you think something you did or said made them uncomfortable, let them know you won’t do that anymore.
“Every friendship your child has is unique and brings something to the table,” Dr Liu says. “The best thing your child can do is be kind and try to understand their autistic friend without expecting how they will respond.”
Ongoing: Nurturing friendships with autistic peers
An ongoing friendship between your child and an autistic classmate may include playdates, birthday parties, and other get-togethers outside of school. Dr. Liu suggests a few ways you can set your child and their friend up for success.
Prep your child.
Explain to your child that their friend may get overwhelmed and need space or time alone. Remind them that your family tries to make guests comfortable and doesn’t call out things guests do differently.
Plan ahead.
Planning helps ensure both kids have a positive experience. Before a playdate, find out what makes your child’s friend comfortable.
- What snacks do they like?
- What are their favorite toys, games, or activities?
- Are there activities or settings that can be overwhelming for them?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions.
If your child’s autistic friend is verbal, you can ask your guest about their preferences when they arrive. For nonverbal children, reach out to the parent beforehand. Ask them about their child’s tendencies and how often they may need a break from play.
“Parents of children with autism typically enjoy being able to talk about their child, including what makes them great and what they find challenging,” Dr. Liu says. “It’s always better to ask questions than assume you understand their child.”
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